Written in the throngs of painful passion.
Don’t play dumb; you know perfectly well what I’m talking about. It’s that day of the month you’ve always dreaded. It’s those days when you just want to become a cave man and never see the light of day. I’m talking about physical fitness exams. Just kidding. I’m talking about having your period. Although fitness exams can work too.
Menstruation. Period. Red days. Time of the month. Call it whatever the hell you want, but I doubt that there is one girl in this planet who looks forward to this event. If she exists, she is probably an alien.
During the ancient times, a girl getting her first period would entail a feast celebrating her ability to bring forth a child/an heir, which makes her, you know, a useful member of society. Now, however, a girl getting her first period–or simply, her period–is a freaking state of emergency. Sound the alarms! This girl’s on her period! Mayday! Mayday! Extra pads? Check! Underwear specifically for period? Check! Chocolate/softdrinks/comfort food of choice? Check! I swear, once that sudden gush of wetness arrives, it’s an effin’ war zone in there.
Of course, you’ll never understand, you ignorant male biological entity. You don’t have an effin’ uterus/ovaries that simply choose to explode at the most unexpected of times. Going to a party tomorrow? BAM. Period comes the night before. Having a sleepover? BAM. You wake up and you remember that the pajamas you wore were white, not red. Going hiking/going to the beach/basically-any-kind-of-gimmick this weekend? BAM. Period is here to ruin all your plans! I evil laugh at you!
As if the surprise factor is not enough, your visitor will bring a whole army of reinforcements along with it–as all surprise visitors do. One of period’s notorious friends would be…menstrual cramps.
Note to the male populace: cramps are the primary reason why you never ever piss a girl during their periods. It’s the reason why you should give them what they want and obey their every whim. And why you should never make period jokes. Ever. Because once you do, this ovulating girl will transform into Xena, take out the war going on inside her ovaries, and lead them to bloody attack you a hundredfold.
A girl having cramps is a warrior lying in wait. Like, literally. Because in order to lessen the pain, said warrior will find a position wherein the stabbing in her insides are least painful. And you, outsider, should never take her out of that position, even if you notice that her head is under her right knee. Because not only is that position her life saver, she is also probably hiding a…
humomgous pimple on her nose/cheek/any part of her face that is not her eye. Usually, periods and pimples go hand in hand. I, for one, use these ghastly facial apparitions as a period indicator. Mt. Everest is rising up from my forehead? Chances are, my period is coming tonight/tomorrow/five minutes later. I don’t need no Android app to tell me my period is coming. I simply need to look at my face and examine if a new landmass is starting to form.
It doesn’t stop there. Have you ever experienced having a period in the middle of summer, in the tropics?! It makes the Sahara Desert Antartica, seriously. It’s like your insides are already burning what with all the ish and the bombing going on in there, and then the freaking sun just refuses to go away. It’s freaking hot and you’re sweltering and you feel oily and…you just feel so many things. Every time I get my period, I just want to be in cold sleep for the next 3-5 days.
So, you insensitive members of the masculine sex, please stop all those period jokes because they just make us want to murder you. Although the memes were helpful in illustrating my point. I don’t know how to end this so here’s my favorite Superwoman to give you her dibs on girls having their periods, in two parts.
Credits to all meme owners. I do recognize that none of them are mine. Please don’t sue me or throw bloody tampons or pads at me.