There exists a line of difference between the words ‘lecture’ and ‘discussions’ which students do not seem to know; a very marked distinction which students, apparently, cannot distinguish. Discussions, class, are a lot like love. It’s not easy. It’s not always fun. It screws you up and fucks with you. But you do it anyway.
It’s a two-way thing—discussions never work one way. It requires communication. It thrives on words. It feeds on your thoughts while at the same time, eating away at your soul. Like an unprofessed affection, an unsaid thought fills you with what ifs and plenty of uncertainty. What if I said this? What if I did that? Would I have gotten her/his attention? Would my feelings and thoughts reach her/him? Would it have made a difference if I said what was on my mind? Would this misunderstanding not have happened if I told her/him what I felt? Eventually, the questions fill your mind and you get depressed. Or you simply turn a blind eye and move on with your life, trying to look unaffected by the thousands of bees buzzing inside your head. On the other hand, as you quiet those voices that interrogate you, the other party is filled with doubt. Was there something wrong with me? Did she/he get my point? Did I hurt her/him? Are we standing on the same plane? Or are we simply drifting apart? Questions, questions—plenty of questions that are never answered simply because of the wall that stands between two people. Stubbornness? Maybe. Pride? Disinterest, perhaps?
Ah. It is quite ironic how I find the word ‘disinterest’ interesting. Disinterest, I think, is a product of fear. It is the consequence of not giving something a chance. It is the consequence of not taking the risk, of not even trying. Although I cannot justify my disdain for numbers, I do have to say that I give mathematics a chance. I work hard to understand it, even if it means sweating bucketfuls of bullets. At the end of the day, my work pays off and I see the happiness, that ray of light that makes the work worthwhile. Now, would you know if what you had in mind is right if you don’t speak up? Would you ever get another chance if you don’t grab the opportunity before you? Would it have been a happy ending if you held her/his hand that one lazy afternoon she/he was sad? Disinterest, I think, is unfair. It is holding one’s self back, preventing one’s self from experiencing all that one can possibly experience.
Discussions, like love, is a place one should not fear exploring. Discussions (love) are like a vast, unfamiliar forest where one never knows where the next clearing will be, where there’s a sinkhole to eat you up, where there’s a nice flower bed to give you joy. It’s an adventure—you’ll never know what you can find next. If the adventure works out, then good for you. If it doesn’t, one should never regret for an adventure is always a valuable experience. And experience, as they say, is always the best teacher.
Discussions, as are a lot of other things, are very much like love. It may drag on slowly, taking you with it despite your protestations. It might be boring—disinteresting—but there will be times that it’s absolutely lots of fun. It might be depressing. It might be merciless. But it—discussions, love—will always be beautiful.